Do you find it hard to speak your mind? I know I do...
There's the silence I have inhabited for years, the edgy, uncomfortable silence that comes from unsaid words, unshed thoughts. When talk feels risky, then silence is the coward's choice. Saying what I felt was, most times, simply not an option I considered; it was a kind of emotional bungee jumping that terrified me.
Throughout my childhood expression of emotions was an alien territory, a hug was an awkward occurrence.
It all started when I was younger, my ideas and thoughts being suppressed because I was the youngest, the smallest, the quietest.
That sort of subconscious suppression does not dim or die, you sort of silently carry it with you throughout life. Even now, I find it hard to get the words out to the people that care about me. Like me and my Girlfriend. She comes from a family that allows expression of how your feeling and thinking without judging or suppression. And that is so alien to me.
I have been thinking about this subject for quite some time. What is it that makes you physically not be able to let the words out? Sometimes it feels like a hand around my throat literally keeping the words for surfacing I try to speak and all that I think of is, "what if they hate me", "What if they abandon me because of what I say". Just a load of deep rooted fears of abandonment.
Tell someone what you really feel? Might as well throw a brick. At work, at home, with friends, the silence grew, forever polite and ice. But a constant flow of niceness, even in the everyday world, meant it is often difficult to ask for what I want or protest if I was trodden on.
Fear of emotional expression is stifling, and also dangerous. It makes your voice quieter, your whole appearance smaller, until you go unnoticed. Like a small flower next the a brick wall.
Have I overcome this?
Not just yet. Each day is a battle of the truth, and my subconscious thoughts. You know the ones, "You're not good enough, you have no friends, you're useless..blah blah blah". The main thing I do to overcome this is to strongly focus on these voices, and prove to them that they are a lie. Such as, "You're not good enough".
Lets break it down.
How am I not good enough? Lets talk about how I AM good enough..
I help many people daily to overcome there sadness.
I am a kind and loving person.
I have a faimly that loves me.
I have a girlfriend who is a refection of the person I am
I have nice hair. ;)
I have overcome my most darkest times
I am a strong person, with a strong mind
If I want to do achieve something, I don't stop till I do
Prove the voices WRONG
The most cliche saying, "You are your own worst enemy", has a lot of truth to it. We are the ONLY person who can help or hinder our recovery and growth as a person. You could have 1000 people tell you that you are a piece of shit, but if you know yourself you are not, it will never break you. But if you let just 1 person break through the surface, game over. They win. Remember that when the words get stuck.
Don't let them win.